wApr 9, 2007


I don't know what to title this, except "I should have gone to bed instead"

I was feeling really fine about everything, but then my dad had to go and urge me for the 20th time to start applying to grad schools (even though I don't want to go to grad school, and never have), and to not take any "time off" after I'm done with undergrad. What the hell? The only person I can think of in my entire extended family who has a master's degree is him, and my first-cousin-once-removed Molly, who will graduate this May. I mean, all the power to people who go to grad school, but I guess I just never knew it was something that was expected of me.

What if I just want to work? It's working or law school, and I don't want to jump into law school immediately after undergrad. Some people do, and that's fine, but I'm not ready yet - not financially, not emotionally, and probably not academically either. My GPA isn't horrible, but it's not going to set me apart from anyone either. If I work for a couple years, my work experience will become more important, and if I decide law school is for me, then I'll have a better chance of getting in anyway.

Additionally, I feel like law school is different than undergrad in that it's totally fine to jump into undergrad without knowing what you want to major in, or where you want to end up when you're done. But I don't feel like I could get through law school without having at least a vague outline of an end-goal in mind. A prize to set my sights on, a destination that I will sweat to get to. I don't want to go through all of the crap of studying my ass off for the LSAT, paying all of the money it costs to apply, and somehow making it through law school itself unless I know that I want it. To me, this makes sense. I think I've explained it at length to my dad at least four times, but I guess it hasn't sunk in yet. He never actually wants to talk about it, but will just say things like, "When you apply to grad school, you should do it right away. Don't take any time off." Like it's already decided that I want to go or something.

As for grad school - grad school is totally fine for some people, but I'm fairly certain it's not for me. Maybe I'll change my mind one day, but for now, I know it's not. I could probably handle taking classes, but having free reign over myself to research and develop a thesis for something no one's ever done before? I tend to suck at stuff like that. There's no way I could keep myself motivated enough to slog through research like that. Especially for my fields - for English, I feel like anything that hasn't already been done would be dreadfully boring; for Political Science, I sort of feel the same way. I feel like Poli Sci would be more interesting to me in terms of graduate research, but I still don't think I could motivate myself to research a certain topic for years.

I'm sick of all this crap where I'm supposed to try and figure out "who I am" and whatever. I know exactly who I am. There's just nothing that I want to do with myself. No job has ever really sounded appealing to me, and I only become more painfully aware of the ticking clock as time goes on. It never gets any easier, and I know that once it gets down to the wire, I'll just pick something and hurl myself headlong into it. It might not be the right thing, or the thing I'm good at it, or the thing that makes other people happy, but I know that once I pick something I won't turn back.

I guess it's not true that nothing has ever sound appealing to me. I've always wanted to be a writer, but sometime in my first couple of years of college, I guess I figured out that if that was what I really wanted, I would do it more often. And maybe one day I will. If I had a stable job and didn't have homework or OMGFUTURE to worry about, I would probably write in the evenings on the weekends. Maybe one day, I'll get good at it. Maybe one day I might be so good that I could quit my job and live off of the money I make from writing. But I know for certain that I'm not there right now, and that to get there, I need to support myself through other means.

Which leaves me with the "just pick something and pwn it" option. Which is probably what I'll end up doing.


Also, now when I turn on the space heater, part of it gives off sparks, so I've turned it off and unplugged it. It's 34 degrees outside, and it's freezing up here in my room.

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scribbled mystickeeper at 12:40 AM
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wNov 11, 2006


walk among us / oh if you judge us / we're all damned

I feel like maybe I shouldn't write right now because it's 3:00 am and that's been a bad idea in the past. However, I did sleep for a couple of hours at Antoine's apartment (I fall asleep everywhere, I swear - and it's so warm there! Annnnnd, I like Antoine, (: ), so let's cross fingers.

But basically, what I want to say is something that I've been meaning to say for a long time. Something I wanted to say over the summer, something I want to say right now, and something I want to say to lots of people - people I scarcely know who make passing judgments and some people who happen to be my friends alike. And that thing is that I cannot for the life of me understand why some people feel like they're the only person in the world who has ever experienced traumatic shit. Or has been the only person who's ever felt like dying.

Like, with some people it's like a pissing contest. Having to compare your pasts until you find out whose is the most conflicted, whose is the most traumatic, who "felt the most pain." If you start comparing the bad things that have happened in your life with what's happened in that of others, it'll never end. So what's the point? There isn't any.

Maybe some of it was in the way I was raised. Both of my parents, but my mom especially, have always taught me that you can't judge anybody, no matter how much information you have about them. You can't assume that the cashier at McDonald's is stupid. You can't assume that homeless people are lazy. You can't assume that people tell you everything you need to know in order to understand them. Even if they're members of your family. Even if they're your friends.

So, I guess I'm just always amazed when other people make judgments of me or of others. When they assume that I've never experienced the things that they have just because I don't wear every hurt that's ever been forced upon me on my sleeve for everybody to see. Sometimes when I talk to people, I feel like for them to acknowledge the fact that I have, in fact, experienced what they have experienced, I would have to pull out my diaries and open them up to a page and show them. I mean, wow. Seriously.

And, honestly? Nothing cheapens a person's pain more than having other people tell them that they don't understand what it means, never felt it in the first place, or that it pales in comparison to theirs. Wow. Talk about a sucker-punch to the gut.

I'm sick of feeling like I have to accommodate other people for this that's happened in their past. Nobody makes special considerations for me, and if anybody ever felt like they had to, I'd probably be disgusted with myself.

Current Music: The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand

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scribbled mystickeeper at 4:17 AM
2 comments



wOct 30, 2006


TEH SUCK.

I haven't blogged in the last couple of days because 1) I haven't had time, and 2) I've had a couple of things (The Wisconsin Book Festival; Halloween weekend) that I'd like to have time to sit down and write coherently about.

Of course, life happens, and then I just need to vent in my blog, so I guess I'll do that now. This is one of those posts you might be better off not reading.

Well, let's do this. Instead of writing paragraphs full of bitching that nobody will read anyway, I'll just make a list of what sucks right now.
  • Somehow, when I made the AT&T payment online last month, it didn't register, so the bill is late. Luckily, the late fee is only $1.44
  • For some reason, our bill this month is $16 more than it should be. I think most of it is coming from this $10 charge for using the telephone line that nobody uses. Apparently, I'll have to interrogate my housemates and then call AT&T and throw a fit.
  • I don't know if I just haven't been keeping track of money, or what, but I somehow spent a lot more money since coming to school this semester than I thought I had. :/
  • My bank no longer allows me to look at my transaction history any farther back than one month.
  • There is also no "Submit/Okay/DO THIS NOW" button on the page where a user can transfer funds from their savings account to their checking account. Which makes it a little difficult to shift my money where I want it!
  • I still have my next oral exam for Political Science on Tuesday....I only have to slog through 3 more readings to make note cards. The problem is that I don't know anything on the note cards yet. Still, I started this process a lot sooner than last time (the night before, due to other exams), so logic would tell me that I'll perform better this time. However, since it's me, I'm sure that the opposite will be true, and I'll actually do worse.
  • Chad says that we're not getting any TV stations on the TV - whether this is a result of not paying the bill on time (I apparently have until November 14th, though, so I don't know why that would happen) or the dudes installing a bigass window in the basement, I don't know. It's another thing I don't want to have to deal with, but you know, for how much money cable costs, you would think that they could at least guarantee that it freaking works.
  • I still haven't written my letter to the Chancellor/Dean of Students/ASM Chair/Central Reservations regarding their stupid decisions on the night of Halloween celebrations, and their relation to Anime Club.
  • I didn't have time to go to church yesterday, and I feel like I really could have used it.
  • I was crabby all weekend long due to lack of sleep (despite having an awesome time pretty much all weekend long), and I feel kind of bad about it. Also, I think that the crabbiness remains.
  • I think I would really like to make myself do NanoWrimo....but I feel like I barely have enough time to keep my life in its current "barely under control" state - I can only imagine what it would be like if I was forcing myself to write 1,667 words per day. I don't have time to make a decision right now, and I won't until Tuesday after my exam - the night before NanoWrimo starts.
  • I'm behind in all of my classes except for the one in which I have an exam tomorrow. I guess that I can be glad in the fact that at least it's not the other way around.
  • In a broad sense, I feel like there is something wrong right now in my life, but I can't pinpoint what exactly it is; thus, I can't fix it.

Current Music: God Knows - Hirano Aya (Suzumiya Haruhi)

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scribbled mystickeeper at 10:46 AM
3 comments