|wMay 19, 2006|
Sometime I really just shouldn't write anything at all
It's my birthday (by almost two hours), and I've decided that that means I can be honest for a day. This means that for the most part, I have to be vague. Because that's how life is. You can only talk about your feelings if nobody knows what the hell you're talking about if you don't want anybody to use it against you.
I was rereading stuff from birthdays past, and I was really sad when I came across this post because at some point, I lost that light and I can't find it anywhere even though I've looked many, many times. And it's really stupid, but it makes me really sad that I can't find it.
Lindsey called me tonight and we talked for forty minutes and it was really nice because I haven't talked to her in a long time. I don't know why I have so many friends. I certainly don't deserve them.
I don't really know what's going to happen tomorrow. I used to feel inexplicable glee when approaching my birthday, but for the last couple of years, it's been a melancholy approach.
When I really think about it, there are only two things that I want for my birthday, or for anything at all. And when I think about it even more, these two things may in fact be the same thing. And I know that nobody can give me either of these things. These desires of mine are for the darkness to go away for real and forever and for good, and also to have a decent guy to be my damn boyfriend. I don't really care if it's a serious relationship or not. It would just be nice for once to have a response to give when people ask me if I'm "seeing anyone," and when I give my reply, they don't say something like "Well, that's smart." "I think it's better that way - now you can have more fun!" "It's best to focus on your studies/career/friends anyway." Like I swore off of dating or something. Like I took a vow. Like I planned this. Like it's my desire to be alone. Like I want this.
Okay, so maybe we're not going to be so vague after all.
I wandered around Barnes & Noble tonight. I find that this is what I do when I don't have an obligation to fulfill and I'm lonely and I don't know what to do. I wander aimlessly through books and eventually leave. I'm not really sure if it makes me feel better or not. I hope so.
I think that when I feel like this, it's really just best to go to sleep because I'll feel better in the morning, but you have to ask yourself - is how I really feel the way I feel when I'm up late stressing out because there is nothing real in my life any more, or is how I really feel when I wake up in the morning and for a few minutes can't remember why I felt like crap the night before. I guess it's like with drunk people. Some people say "a drunk man speaks a sober mind." You say things you normally wouldn't say when you're drunk. Are the things you say what you really mean, or is the real you the person who stays quiet because you don't want to piss everyone off?
Current Music: Nocturne No. 9, Op. 2 - Frederic Chopin (This is my favorite piano piece of all time and when I sit down to play, it's what I always end up finishing with) ; Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata (Thanks to Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, I'll never listen to this song in the same way again)
PS: Not to ruin the mood, but seriously? I don't know if I've ever come across a traveler who didn't appear stressed or tense.
I should really sleep now. I think Mom's going to make me clean all day.scribbled mystickeeper at 1:49 AM
Hey Whore, the nice thing about the internet is that you don't have to wake people up to leave meassages. YEY.
Happy birthday, yo! Nothing kills like 1:30 in the morning. I think I'm at my peak when it's 7 AM on Saturday and I'm only awake to use the bathroom.
Happy birthday Jackie!!
Ryan: YOU WERE MISSED, although everyone was very amused that you called your grandmother a whore.
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