wFeb 26, 2007

why am i not asleep yet?

I still need a new blog layout liek whoa. This one is starting to disgust me.

I procrastinate.
Today was weird. I wrote a paper on Thomas More and Utopia (which inevitably makes me think of "Ever After" and is probably the reason I rewatched it a few weeks ago). I also wrote essays on how Romantic writers viewed women, how Hans Christian Andersen idealized nature, and how two other Scandinavian writers wrote about peasants. And that was basically my entire Sunday.

There was this blizzard thing this weekend and I haven't left the house since Friday evening. I'm really not looking forward to walking around tomorrow.

I like my boyfriend!
Not much happened this weekend, but I forgot to mention something that I find interesting about dating. Six months is a long relationship for me. This is my second of two relationships EVER (unless you count the time in 6th grade when Chad and I "dated" for a week and a half), and everyone keeps assuring me that the "OMGYAYness" will wear off soon, or should have already, but it hasn't. On Tuesday, for instance, I was feeling crappy, so I called Antoine up and we met at McDonald's for dinner. McDonald's. And yet, when I hung up the phone, there was this grin of inexplicable glee on my face, and my mental thought process was something like this: "I GET TO SEE ANTOINE! AND EAT FRENCH FRIES! AND BE WITH ANTOINE! IN TEN MINUTES!!!" It's really weird to feel happy all the time. I mean, I feel pissed about homework and tired from work and confused about life-after-college, but I'm talking about day-to-day overall mood. There is no depression (except for the odd hormonal imbalance), not quite as much cynicism, less hating of myself. It's weird and I'm wondering if those things will come back with the OMGYAYness leaves.

Church Attendance (or lack thereof)
Part of this bit is just me saying things that have been on my mind for a long time, but a recent entry in Steph's blog got me thinking.

I think I went to church last Sunday for the first time this semester; I didn't go on Ash Wednesday despite making time for it because it was literally the only time I had all week to catch my breath and study for Friday's Shakespeare exam. Church-going is something of a strange habit for a college student, maybe. There are certainly things the Church does that I don't agree with, but I don't really see that as a reason to stop going. I don't think I agree with all of the tenets in any organization I am, or have ever been, a part of - even Anime Club has rules I don't agree with, and I'm the freaking president. I certainly don't agree with any of my friends on every issue, but I still spend time with them. I don't know. I guess that, for me, if I feel like I grow in a certain environment, I'll keep going.

I don't often feel like I grow in church due to the other people who inhabit it, or at least not often. In my experience, it's rare to find a priest who gives a homily that is deeply based in Catholicism and challenges me on my own beliefs and why I act the way I do. I've met about 4 such priests in my lifetime, and although 2 of them are at the University Catholic Center, I still don't go every Sunday. And why not?

The reasons sound cold, but they are true. I find it very inconvenient to go to campus on Sundays. Going in my own car makes for the most efficient there-and-back game, but it's difficult to find free parking on campus, and I really don't care for either of the priests at the parish close to the house here in Madison.
Sundays are my only uninterrupted day for homework.
Also, I don't have to go. I mean, I should go and I would like to go, but unlike, say classes (which I also find inconvenient, and in some cases, useless - unlike mass), there aren't tangible consequences for me not going.

And what are the intangible consequences? I feel like I'm kind of slipping in my faith. Not like I don't believe in it any more, or like I don't want to go any more, but like I'm slowly falling off a cliff and nobody's really noticing. None of my close friends here at school regularly go to church except for Paul. Although, Paul doesn't go until 5pm and by that time I've already mentally decided, "I have too much homework to be able to go to church and also get to bed at a reasonable hour."

I find it really sucky that my personality and views on faith seems to clash with people at my campus parish. I never realized how lucky I was in high school to be able to go to church with people who had realistic faiths like mine. And I guess it really feels like I have no one to share that with here at school, and I'm kind of afraid that I never will again.

It's not like I was conditioned to feel guilty about it. I mean, technically Catholics are supposed to go weekly, but my parents never really habitually went on Sunday mornings. So while my brain is like, "Okay, whatever," every time I think about the fact that I haven't been going to church, I feel like crying and not knowing why.

I don't even know what I'm giving up for Lent (and yes, Lent began 5 days ago), but still.

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scribbled mystickeeper at 1:07 AM

It's strange how having a companion puts your life in another perspective, but it's also awesome because there'd be little hope in the world for a lot of us if it weren't the case. The good part is that one of two feelings will replace the OMGYAYness; either disgust or deep, indomitable satisfaction with a side of pure inner joy. Disgust usually leads to a break up, at which point the depression will work its way back in until you find OMGYAYness in someone else. I feel like there's always something to look forward to, especially because a little bit of OMGYAYness tends to creep in with the satisfaction.

As far as church goes, you try to do what you feel is productive and that's what I think counts. Most importantly, you THINK about it. You have an opinion and you can legitimately back it up, but you'll listen to new possibilities before making decisions, which makes you neither brainwashed nor habitual. If I felt like I was getting something personal out of church or like I could help guide my congregation, I would go, but as an individual I get much more out of my faith during daily life and I'm certainly not the right person to start preaching or attempting to convert others.

In general I'm not a fan of organized religion because it leaves room for passivity and mob mentality and I think when someone goes on an individualized journey they are capable of a higher quality faith because they are actively involved in deciding the path and forming their own ideas. At the same time, I understand that some people go on their individual journeys in a room full of people. And let's face it, things like mission trips set up by organized religion are very good experiences for everyone involved.

By Blogger Steph, at 7:09 PM, February 26, 2007  

I agree with Steph. But sometimes OMGYAYness never wears off.

By Blogger Kristy, at 9:56 AM, February 27, 2007  

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