wJan 19, 2007

what do you do with the left over you?

Yesterday, I did things! I went to campus and got my bus pass and bought lots of books for school. I also did some more grocery shopping. It was pretty awesome.
And today was the first day my stomach didn't feel horrible, so that was also good. I bought things like black socks for when I start my internship next week (OMG). THEN, Steph, Gordon, and Antoine came over and, along with Paul, we watched The Office (Cell phone! So funny! I <3 Jim!), Grey's Anatomy, The Daily Show, and BILL O'REILLY on The Colbert Report! It wasn't as heinous as I thought it would be. Does anyone know where to find the segment of Stephen Colbert on the O'Reilly Factor? I've tried looking and have come up with nothing. :/

I feel really tired right now, so perhaps it would be best to stop writing now. I don't know. I have mixed feelings about this semester starting, in just about every aspect possible. Most of all, when it's over I'll be another step closer to graduating from college, and I still don't know what I would like to do once it's over.

I think part of what's bothering me so much lately is that I really feel like I've given up on writing. I've gotten better - I think we're all aware of that, even if only based on how the Internet has documented the transition from emo poetry and fanfiction to Ghost Hunters - my own characters and plot, but still as poorly-written as hell. It's just weird for me to not identify as a writer any more. When I was a little girl, the first books I remember reading by myself aside from Dr. Suess were by Laura Ingalls Wilder. And I knew all along that I wanted to be a writer like her. Whenever anything happens in my life, I think about how I would tell it in a narrative. Somehow, in grade school and high school, people at school kind of knew me as someone who liked to write. I don't know how it started - probably because I made up stories and would tell people about them. Or because every time we had to tell the class what we wanted to be when we grew up, I would say a writer. Around the time when we got into high school, I realized that I could not count on being a writer full-time after school. I knew it wasn't practical and I knew that a very small number of applicants actually get published. So I floundered, trying to decide what else I could do, what else I could be good at. And here I am today, still stuck in the same boat, only I have lost the label of "writer." I am not known among friends or classmates for writing, for wanting to write, or for being good at it. Nothing defines who I am any more, and I think it's a huge part of why I feel so lost all of the time. I'm not particularly good at anything, and I don't want to do anything. I've been trying to fix it for a while now, and I can't.

I keep trying to think of a good way to wrap up this post, but there really isn't one. Sorry.
Current Music: Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara

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scribbled mystickeeper at 1:37 AM

There is probably a scientific name for the very moment when you get to college and realize you can no longer identify yourself with the markers you used to. I don't know the word, but I'd be willing to bet there is one. I maintain the belief that someday Jackie will find her new identity, hopefully before graduation.

Now that I think of it, I believe I have recently settled officially into my own. Unfortunately, finding that identity has meant letting go of some aspects I *really* wanted to keep. However, there are some I have revived and others I have found for the first time, and all in all I'm happy.

I do not, however, define myself as a college student. Since probably 4th grade I have been a grown up who is experiencing as many amazing things as she can while waiting for school to end.

This comment was not meant to make you feel bad, but to give you hope that some normal people like you and me do find themselves after freshman year of college.

By Blogger Steph, at 4:57 PM, January 19, 2007  

Hmmm, but Jackie, I very deliberately stuff you into my Writing Buddies aim subcategory and my Writing Buddies email folder...

and although it's not the most motivational to hear, I too have lost the intense and powerful connection to writing. And I miss it. Which sucks. I think as you progress in college, you get more and more used to the mentality of "this course and its grade should be the most important aspect of this time period", until you no longer rank writing as a high priority, and then gradually it ceases to happen.

Jackie, no matter what happens, you will Be A Writer. Maybe that's part of why you feel lost--it doesn't really matter what happens, you'll keep writing anyway. No other career would be a huge part of your life the way writing is (which, I generally gather, means that you need a career that won't become a huge part of your life outside of work hours, so that part of your life can go to writing).

How to feel more like a writer (because you are one and will remain one, whether or not you give up "practicing" it now).... uhhhh.... shits. Wish I knew that. I want to say write every day or something, but I know how infeasible that is. Maybe think about writing every day. I don't know if it's Ghost Hunters or just the world around you, but try and make it into writing in your head. Even if it hurts. Maybe it'll start some juices flowing.

(To let you know, I had a new year's res to write something for each page of the calendar you gave me. I'm behind (I've only done two!) but I'm going to catch up! I swear!!)

By Blogger Tas, at 7:46 AM, January 20, 2007  

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