|wJan 19, 2007|
what do you do with the left over you?
Yesterday, I did things! I went to campus and got my bus pass and bought lots of books for school. I also did some more grocery shopping. It was pretty awesome.
And today was the first day my stomach didn't feel horrible, so that was also good. I bought things like black socks for when I start my internship next week (OMG). THEN, Steph, Gordon, and Antoine came over and, along with Paul, we watched The Office (Cell phone! So funny! I <3 Jim!), Grey's Anatomy, The Daily Show, and BILL O'REILLY on The Colbert Report! It wasn't as heinous as I thought it would be. Does anyone know where to find the segment of Stephen Colbert on the O'Reilly Factor? I've tried looking and have come up with nothing. :/
I feel really tired right now, so perhaps it would be best to stop writing now. I don't know. I have mixed feelings about this semester starting, in just about every aspect possible. Most of all, when it's over I'll be another step closer to graduating from college, and I still don't know what I would like to do once it's over.
I think part of what's bothering me so much lately is that I really feel like I've given up on writing. I've gotten better - I think we're all aware of that, even if only based on how the Internet has documented the transition from emo poetry and fanfiction to Ghost Hunters - my own characters and plot, but still as poorly-written as hell. It's just weird for me to not identify as a writer any more. When I was a little girl, the first books I remember reading by myself aside from Dr. Suess were by Laura Ingalls Wilder. And I knew all along that I wanted to be a writer like her. Whenever anything happens in my life, I think about how I would tell it in a narrative. Somehow, in grade school and high school, people at school kind of knew me as someone who liked to write. I don't know how it started - probably because I made up stories and would tell people about them. Or because every time we had to tell the class what we wanted to be when we grew up, I would say a writer. Around the time when we got into high school, I realized that I could not count on being a writer full-time after school. I knew it wasn't practical and I knew that a very small number of applicants actually get published. So I floundered, trying to decide what else I could do, what else I could be good at. And here I am today, still stuck in the same boat, only I have lost the label of "writer." I am not known among friends or classmates for writing, for wanting to write, or for being good at it. Nothing defines who I am any more, and I think it's a huge part of why I feel so lost all of the time. I'm not particularly good at anything, and I don't want to do anything. I've been trying to fix it for a while now, and I can't.
I keep trying to think of a good way to wrap up this post, but there really isn't one. Sorry.
Current Music: Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara1:37 AM
There is probably a scientific name for the very moment when you get to college and realize you can no longer identify yourself with the markers you used to. I don't know the word, but I'd be willing to bet there is one. I maintain the belief that someday Jackie will find her new identity, hopefully before graduation.
Hmmm, but Jackie, I very deliberately stuff you into my Writing Buddies aim subcategory and my Writing Buddies email folder...
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