wSep 21, 2005

I have to get up early tomorrow, :/

I had been a day behind in my homework, but now I'm a day ahead. Didn't have too much to do tonight.....Does that mean Poli Sci is an "easy" major? Maybe I'm really not as smart as all of my friends and I'm actually inferior here. Other majors are "smarter" than mine.
Or, maybe I thought that way for about five minutes before I thought to myself, bullshit.

I've talked about this next thing (not the previous paragraph, but what I'm about to discuss) with Steph and other people a few times. But whenever someone says something that makes me feel like shit, or I get ignored by someone I'd really like to talk to, or rejected by someone I care about, I get really angry. It used to be that situations like these would put me in some kind of shut-down mode when I'd feel bad about myself. But when it happens now, I go into a slow-burning rage. It's usually out of these times that I end up committing myself to major decisions. I have to do well in everything I do, if only to give a huge middle finger to everyone who, in whatever small way, has ever told me that I'm not worth their time. Is it bad that this is often my most important motivation factor? Probably. I remember when I was like, 10, my dad told me that I would never publish a book. I was smart enough to not say anything back, but have since sworn to myself that if I ever do, I'd like to dedicate it "To my Father, who told me that I could never get this far." That would sound so bitchy, though. 'Cause obviously I love my dad....I get upset with him much more infrequently these days.

This evening, I had dinner with Kristy (she's visiting for the week, in case you missed it), Chad, and Louise. Pizza is good. It's strange to think that in like, 6 days, Kristy's going to leave and then she'll be in Italy until December. She's coming to my ethnic studies lecture tomorrow, bwaha.

Also tonight, I went to the Washburn Observatory with some of the girls in my dorm. I'm fairly certain that we looked at the same binary stars as last year, but oh well. I met a girl named Yumi who lives on the floor above mine, so that was good. Looking at stars through a telescope that was built in 1891 is pretty awesome.

I usually try to not think about my writing lately, but today I received an email because someone left a new comment on this, the FF7 fic I wrote last winter. It's strange reading something I can't really remember writing. And it's also pretty cool that the whole story is still in canon, and doesn't mess with any Advent Children stuff. Anyway, I particularly appreciated this part. It's Vincent, talking to Tifa:
Does penance come from shame and guilt? I don't think so. The past has already happened. Feeling bad about it will change nothing. And even worse, feeling guilt over it will only distract us from doing right in the present. The most terrible thing your past can do to you is rob you of your future, or the futures of those you love....But it can only do that if you let it.
He goes into a bit more detail, but I think that makes its own point pretty well. Maybe I should write more often. Leave myself little reminders about how sometimes, it doesn't suck quite as much as I think it does. And usually, neither do I.

Current Music: Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind
scribbled mystickeeper at 11:57 PM

Maybe we're just too much alike...but I thought your book dedication was hilarious and, if I had been met with the same fatherly response, I would undoubtedly dedicate it that way. Perhaps I would be softer and say "to my dad, for making the mistake of telling me that I would never publish a book."

By Blogger Steph, at 2:45 AM, September 22, 2005  

Why were you up so late, young lady?! You have an 8:50 class!

*does not look forward to waking you up in forty minutes*

By Blogger Jackie, at 7:12 AM, September 22, 2005  

that is the spirit we should all have

By Anonymous benjamins, at 7:31 AM, September 22, 2005  

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