wFeb 20, 2006

no black and white in blue

Sometimes I feel like everything keeps fading to gray and eventually everything in my life is going to be one big blur. It's not just relationships, or lack thereof. Even when I read books....I can't remember what happens in the books that I read, even if I've read them multiple times. It's like I read them and all I can remember is whether or not I liked them. Sitting in class....I can follow lectures and I can follow most of the readings, but when I sit in Discussions it's like I just sit for 50 minutes (or 75, in the case of Asian American Women Writers) and try to figure out why everybody can say profound/relevant things while whenever I raise my hand, it's something painfully obvious. It's like I can't see anything beyond what's written right on the surface.

I can analyze things like the Canterbury Tales and pick out obscure plays on words that I think were purposely inserted. But in my other English class, when we talk about the 80 million versions of feminism that might be the author's goal, or why characters act a certain way so as to represent their race's integration process into America, I tend to think bullshit. There's no way that modern authors put that much thought into lame paradigms.

But back to these shades of gray. It's just really and odd feeling. Things keep happening and memories keep coming back, all of which should be terribly upsetting to me. They should be what someone told me is considered a "trigger" - something that initiates these thoughts you often have, the first link in a long chain that ends in what you know is going to happen because it always happens. I really don't care about anything any more either, which is probably also bad. I never really want to do anything. And I have yet to think of anything I want to do after college that sounds even remotely interesting.

This is random, but I feel like saying it anyway. You would think that for someone who is so disgusted by passive people and cannot stand those who push the passion out of their lives, that I would be more active, more joyful, more productive. But I'm not. It's like my life gets in the way of the things that I actually want to be my life. I should probably change that, but I really don't know how.

Well, aren't I just a ray of sunshine.

Current Music: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying - Fall Out Boy
scribbled mystickeeper at 12:50 AM

I recognise the feeling of never having anything to say in discussions. I have never been any good at analysing books and stuff like that.

As for the other... It's hard not knowing what one wants to do. But I try to be optimistic so I say: Either something comes up that you want to do or you can keep studying, as in becoming a researcher or something.

I don't know if this have anything to do with what you said, but I commented, which at least is good for me.

By Blogger Karin, at 9:54 AM, February 20, 2006  

You know Jackie, since October things in my life have been escalating and escalating to the point where, just today in fact, I realized that I'm having a mid-college crisis. I've decided to look harder for a new job so I can quit my current one, I'm going to officially declare Japanese and Interior Design as my majors instead of Psychology, and I'm quitting karate. I'm definitely leaving housing and living in a co-op next year. I'm seriously considering leaving America all together for a one-year hiatus in Japan, this coming from a girl who has never left the country and never been further than 2 hours from Sheboygan for more than a week.

I too realized that the things in my life were keeping me from the things that I wanted in my life. Perhaps the reason you can't think of anything you want to do is because you're being too realistic. On the other hand, you might just be so boring that absolutely nothing ever interests you, but I doubt it. I recommend you come up with the most fanciful future dream you can come up with and go after it. I'm to the point where I find this whole "life" thing so fucking ridiculous that I'm going to go as extreme as I can. I'm sick of "trying to do" things and keeping my head above water. I've spent the last 2 years trying to do the normal things I thought I ought to do, and it's gotten me nowhere...Well, I shouldn't say that, it HAS given me two nightmares a night for the last two months.

I'm throwing in the towel and doing whatever I feel like doing and feeling however I want to about it.

By Blogger Steph, at 3:08 PM, February 20, 2006  

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