wDec 6, 2005

what's jackie without mental breakdowns?

I oscillated between putting this here and in this journal word document thing I have. And eventually, I decided that only because I began by writing it here, it'd stay here. I'm sure I'll hate myself in the morning, but it probably won't make much difference.

I think if I could talk to my mom right now, and tell her that I feel like crap, she would tell me to make myself a cup of soup, so that's what I did. It doesn't really do anything, aside from forcing me to do something.

I reached stagnation. All I accomplished today was laundry. Which is good, I guess. I had like, four loads to do. But in regards to academics, nothing was accomplished. My Geology professor hasn't emailed me back, so I guess I'll try to talk to him after lecture on Thursday. I wish teachers would respond to students. It would make life much less nerve-racking.
But back to not doing anything. It's like my life revolves around crawling up my ladder and curling up on my bed. Usually the laptop is up there. It's warm up there, which is why I think I go up there. I lie there for many hours trying to make myself do productive things, but usually I just end up falling asleep. It's like all of my willpower has completely and utterly evaporated. Hopefully it'll just find its way back...I can't really think of anything I can do to hunt it down.

I think I've probably been eating more than I should the last couple of days. I'm sure that this happens because of stress, but it's upsetting me more than it should. I'll worry about such things after the semester is over.

Why is it that only our worst days, everyone decides it's a good time to take a cheap shot? You have such a bad attitude. Maybe these things wouldn't affect me so much if I wasn't already effed up. All I ever want to do is lose myself in worlds that aren't real and characters who are too interesting to be real people because it's like regular life gives me nothing to look forward to. I just want to go home. Hopefully being at home for almost a month will cure things. Because right now the thought of another semester makes me want to die. I'm sick of feeling like an idiot. Unfortunately, when most of you is in disfavor with you, it's hard to rectify things. If I changed everything about myself that I wanted to, I don't think I would be recognizable. I probably would never talk.

Thursday is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and while I'd really love to go to mass and probably really need it right now, I don't think I can make any of the mass times, due to going to class and going to visit a possible house for next year. We are going to see Harry Potter at 9:00, though, so that will be good, I guess. And until then, I'm just going to make an attempt to be productive and if I can't, then I'll just read. Keeping the mind focused on things that are not dark is priority.

The angst in this blog is bad enough, but it's all vague angst - the kind where I don't tell you what's bothering me or what set me off because I can't because this is the Internet and as poorly as it's presented, people actually read this. God knows why.

Current Music: A Place for My Head - Linkin Park
scribbled mystickeeper at 11:39 PM

You're not an idiot. Remember you did better than me on the last Geo quiz after all...

And sometimes when you're stressed and angry and doing something about it would only make it worst, its best to go somewhere by yourself and do something to get it out either by crying or doing something violent to an inanimate object or just screaming at walls, whatever would work. It can help and then no one gets mad back.

I know saying it’ll be ok and get better isn’t really helpful, but I really do think that it will. And soon the semester will be over and then there will be over three weeks of winter break. So there is something happy at the end of this. :)

Um...yeah, I hope you feel better. :)

By Blogger Louise, at 12:51 AM, December 07, 2005  

I don't know, some days are just worse than others. And the fact that you're dealing with finals (and it's dark and cold outside) doesn't help things either. All I can say is, hang in there. Hopefully Harry Potter will cheer you up. It's a great movie in my opinion. And then in 18 days it's Christmas.

By Blogger aeriscloud, at 10:34 AM, December 07, 2005  

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