wNov 9, 2005

what is joy and where can i get me some? 's been a while.

I really don't know where my angst is coming from, between today and yesterday. Maybe it's from getting the Comparative Politics midterm back yesterday. I did well - I got a B. It's just that I was really hoping for an A. Which is stupid, for feeling bad about it, I mean. A B is good. This is a difficult school. But it's still an entry-level course and I practically sleep through lecture because it's so basic. I know or pick up everything that's important - so why do I still suck? I'm getting some variant of a B in every class right now, I think. If not worse. I don't know. I don't know why my grades have got me down so much. They're much better than last semester. Even if I utterly fail out of college, which won't happen, things would still be okay. I could be happy working in a library or bookstore the rest of my life. Not sure if you can live off of that, but I'd think of something eventually.

For some reason, I just have this internal....thing.....where I have to be the best I can possibly be at everything. I must get the highest grades, write the best papers, give the best insights. I was good at all of these things in high school, but now I feel like I've fallen flat on my face. Maybe it's good for everybody to do that in life.

Should I even be a Journalism major? I don't know if I want to be a reporter. I would in the print media, but definitely not anything to do with broadcast media. Or at least, I don't think so. I hate so many newspapers, though. Papers like the Press Gazette are absolutely terrible. The only good ones are the huge, massive ones that are probably impossible to get jobs at without experience, ie spending years wasting your life working for terrible newspapers. Why does everything seem to involve these stupid ladders? Spending years of your life doing things you hate so that you can "build your resume" or whatever.

The Journalism school (provided a person gets in, which I definitely haven't) has two tracks that students can follow, seen here. I still don't know which one I should select. I'm probably about equally interested in both tracks. The strategic communication/PR stuff would go with political science. And conversely, political science would supplement journalism things as well.
That's why what I'm doing doesn't seem like it makes any sense, sometimes. The media is so sensationalist. They write about what people want to hear instead of actually getting an understanding of what's going on and presenting it to people. I don't want to be part of that.
I don't want to be part of politicians who bow to the people who give them money or to their political "party" or their staffers who strategize for them instead of making their own decisions.
I don't want to be a part of these things, and yet that's what my future is looking to be. Maybe I'll find something else, though. I have always been very interested in international politics. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to go. I don't know.

I like November itself because it is fall-ish and there is Thanksgiving and it is getting close to Christmas. I hate it in terms of the school schedule because there tends to be a lot of self-hatred during this time.

Should I still apply to the Journalism school? And if not, what should I do? I still have no idea how people decide what to do with their lives. Nothing sounds appealing to me. Nothing ever has. And I'm ready to cry because I feel like nothing ever will. When I was 6 years old, I decided it would be cool to be a "writer." Way to be, Jackie. Way to be.

Current Music: Underwater - Vertical Horizon
scribbled mystickeeper at 12:34 AM

Ever thought of the Foreign Service? From what I hear it's a good career, as long as you don't mind living in other countries for years at a time.

By Blogger aeriscloud, at 1:51 PM, November 09, 2005  

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